After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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