6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
