dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
