I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
