I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
