had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
