i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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