I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
