drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
