I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize