is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
