I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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