Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
