What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
