I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
