Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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