i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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