Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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