I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I checked into jail on foursquare
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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