He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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