Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
