Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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