Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
