I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
