Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
