Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
