Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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