I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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