There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
