If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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