dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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