I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
