I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
