I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The Olympian is in my bed
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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