Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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