I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
