Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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