And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
