You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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