It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
