see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
