if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
