JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
