you have to choose: penises or morals?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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