I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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