Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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