Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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