the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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