You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
