never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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