She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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