dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
