pop tarts are not kleenex
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
