is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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