Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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